A personal burlesque act in the making and the story behind it

I am working on a new act and taking plenty of time over it.  It's mostly about me changing over the years from a very timid little oppressed thing in to an ever more empowered grown ass woman.  The main bones of the story being that I went from being bullied relentlessly at school to being in a very emotionally abusive relationship which destroyed me completely.  But then something flipped the switch.  I met Mr. Awesome and I started to change.  Over time I have just grown and developed in to someone who is unrecognizable from the person I was before.  I felt it was probably time to share the story as I know these kinds of tales can help others and I hope it does.  So this will probably be quite a long post so if you are sticking with me get the kettle on.

Just for starters

I really was badly bullied at school.  It was all the time and over anything.  I never had the right clothes or hair or face.  I had a faze of dressing like them much to the expense of mother who couldn't really afford it, but that didn't help.  What was someone as sad as me doing trying to dress like a person?  It was all still wrong.  I had a PVC coat like they all had but they had leather.  It did amuse me one day when my 'cheap plastic crap' was not good enough and I said I had plastic because I didn't want to wear a dead cow.  The girl looked at me gone out.  I had to explain to her what leather is and she looked mortified, asking her friend if it was true only for her friend to be as clueless as she was.  This is the level of brain power I had around me constantly.  

I left school early after the teachers decided it was better to brush me out of the way and try to educate the uneducatable instead.  Before I left I was told by teachers that I was not clever enough to take double science in GCSE (I have always been bad at chemistry and physics but I loved biology and wanted to get a good education in that regardless of being a flop in the other two parts of science) and they shoved me in to a 'life skills' class as it was 'more my speed'.  What did we do in said class for a whole month?  We made cups of tea.  I shit you not.  We took it in turns to ask everyone in the class what they wanted and how they took it, then we had to make it and bring it out to them.  This was a class for people who just wanted to slack off and learn jack shit.  Other valuable lessons on the agenda were how to read a bus time table and how to get on a train.  I refused to take part, would not have a drink, would not make the drinks and I sat reading a GCSE biology book in protest.  They eventually moved me in to double science but put me in a top set and made no effort to help catch me up on what they had been doing.  I knew exactly what they were doing.  They were trying to make me feel stupid and go 'told you you were too thick'.  It was very clear that is what they were doing.  It was just pure evil.  I had wanted the last two years to be my years to get in different classes with different people and crack on for a good education but they fucked me over with biology and they refused to allow me on the music class too.  For music they told me I would have to know how to read sheet music first and play at least one instrument at a basic level.  Why could I not already read do these things?  They never made any effort to teach me it, that is why.  My music class had always been a pointless waste of time.  I thought if I got to GCSE and chose it as an option I would actually be taught something.  But no.  I was meant to just magic this previous knowledge up from thin air.  Music class had always consisted of 'here are some instruments, do something with them'.  Yep, that really helps, thanks.

I left early, totally depressed and deflated.  I went back for the exams I was still able to take.  The rest were un-passable because of having no supporting course work.  The work was meant to be getting sent home to me as they promised so I could still get my qualifications from home, however they decided that was too much trouble so they didn't bother.  I went in for two science exams and one maths.  I got an E in them all.  I was told that with no course work to support it at all that I must have aced the exam papers to even come out with an E.  Still think I'm stupid eh teachers?  More on how unbelievably stupid I am later in my story.

From bad to worse

So straight out of the exams to work.  I worked at a charity shop full time while taking an on the job training course in retail.  I had found a couple of friends and had just started to venture out with them to rock clubs now and then.  After years of not being able to face leaving the house I had started to find my style of dressing like a goth kid one day, grunge chick the next, loved some trashy glamour with feather boas and glitter.  I was finally starting to open up my shell and peek out.  Then I met him.  I worked with him in the shop and he was 10 years older than me.  We got together and it was bad from the start.  No boy had really showed any interest in me before.  I had been asked out by a wonderful lad in school but I was very put off by his horrid personal hygiene or lack there of.  I even told him I would go out with him if he would have a wash and brush his teeth but he didn't want to so we were just friends.  I still see him now and then and he is still a top lad and no longer smells.  I did have a strange little friend in school too who I am told went around telling people I was his girlfriend and we had done the business but it was all lies like boys do.  And that was it.  That was my boy history so this was a big deal.  A big BIG deal.  He very quickly made sure I knew I was like a pet dog.  He would start arguments over things that just didn't seem to make any sense and then tell me I started it and I was horrible, I didn't love him and have me in tears, which he would always have this look of high and mighty about.  Like he enjoyed it and was proud of himself.  He would drag it out for as long as he could and make no effort to make me feel any better.  One specific event was when he was in work and I had the day off.  I was sat in town with my friends (the only two I had) and we decided to go out to the rock club that night.  I said I would go ask (lets rename him on here) Douche if he wanted to come out with us.  I went in the shop and asked and I was given the look of doom.  And then met with the most stupid line of all time.  'You clearly don't want me to go'.  I asked you to come with us, if I didn't want you to come I would have just said we are going out, bye.  I asked him because I wanted him to come.  I was then subjected to a huge argument about (are you ready for this) how I was being somehow manipulating and asking him on purpose so that I could some how twist something so he was not going to be able to go and that I was doing it to upset him on purpose to get an upper hand on him of some sort for some reason that he couldn't explain.  (I know right?)  Put in short terms, I was asking him to go because I didn't want him to go.  This pretty much sets out the logic he had for most of the arguments through he whole relationship.  Things that just constantly made no sense, back tracking and changing things part way through because he was upset by something pointless and didn't know how to make it make any logical sense.  But no matter what, it was always my fault and I had started it.  On this occasion though, I think it might have been something to do with the fact that my friends were male.  Ignoring that I had by this point known then for about two years longer than I had known him and if I was going to go out with one of them then it would have happened way before I ever saw Douche.  But even then I was asking him to come with us, not telling him I was going out with other boys without him.  Backwards.

Over the time I was with him, we argued at least once a week.  Hand on heart I did not start a single one and would try my hardest to talk him down, make him feel better, make him happy and bring it to an end.  We didn't really go out much but when we did it was together.  I did venture out without him a couple of times but was always made to feel bad about it.  Of course it was 12 verses of 'you were glad I wasn't there' ' did you meet anyone?' 'I was sat at home on my own all night'.  Poor baby.  I was told all about the women on telly with their 'perfect' bodies being so amazing and sexy, dream woman.  Then I was told I was fat.  I had got so fat he didn't fancy me anymore.  I was about a size 14ish if that.  I was so close to walking out and leaving him there and then when he came out with that little gem.  But I didn't.  I was fat, I was ugly.  I was stupid and boring.  No one wants the stupid, fat, boring, ugly girl.  If I walk out now I am going to be old and alone for the rest of my life.  He loves me really and even though he treats me like total shit, I still love him and think he will eventually see it and start to be nice to me.

I crash diet.  I have slim fast shakes, a horrible sandwich with brown bread, salad and no butter, no dressing.  It's gross.  I have pasta in the evening with tinned tomatoes and some herbs.  No cheese, no oils, no anything.  That really is all it is.  I have this every day.  Nothing else.  I'm starving.  I hate it.  I start doing sit ups all the time.  Over not that much time I lose a lot of weight.  My stomach is actually flat for the first and only time in my life.  But my thighs are too big, my bum is too big.  I am better than I was but I am still not as good as those fit birds on telly.  I am a size 10.  Some of the extra weight does creep back but I stay pretty slim (still too fat).

Things go on like this for five years.  I was 16 when we got together.  Five years of my young life has gone.  It's slipped by me in a flurry of mental abuse that I didn't even know was abuse at the time.  It was just normal and was all I was worth.  I deserve nothing more.

A hint of something

I was still working in the charity shop, he had left it for a 'real' job.  One day we had a new starter.  He was the same age as me and had come to chat to the manager before starting on the same thing I had been doing; working full time voluntary while gaining retail NVQ's.  After they had finished talking in the shop kitchen the other staff were invited in for tea break and to meet the new lad.  I sat across the table from him and he gave me a right sheepish little look and a little smile.  It was very cute and shy, but it was pretty clear in an instant we liked each other from the moment we set eyes.  We all chatted and I found out we had been in the same school all along and not met, but we were both shy and quiet at school so it wasn't really a surprise.  The shop kitchen needed painting so I said I would do it and the new boy was going to help.  We sat and painted and talked and it felt like magic.  A proper spark flying about all over the place.  It carried over in to work, we would chat and spend a lot of time together.  He was the most lovely and sweet guy I had ever met in my life and he really seemed to actually like me.  This started to change after a little while.  He wasn't really chatting with me and he spent more time with another girl there.  I was gutted and really thought he had gone off me and was after her.

Finding out

We worked together for about a year, all the time I was still fancying him and upset that he didn't seem to like me like he did at first.  But then the work night out came.  I can't remember what it was for, a birthday maybe.  It was a time I got out without Douche there keeping me away from everyone.  We all got pretty merry and after one of the pubs we were all holding hands in a line, skipping down the street to the next one.  Like you do when you're pissed.  But when all the others let go, we didn't.  We held hands walking to the next pub.  We sat close and a creepy fella was saying some really horrible sexual shite to a few of the girls.  He started saying it to me and my knight told the fella I was with him and we walked off.  By the end of the night I was sat on his knee and he told me how long he had really fancied me but had backed off because I had a boyfriend that I was clearly not going to leave despite how much of a twat everyone knew he was.  He had a while before managed to openly offend my fancy man and the other girl I mentioned before while putting me down to them.  They all knew he was a prat and no one thought I would ever leave.

Nothing more happened that night.  It was, however all out in the open that we had both always really wanted each other and that it was the Douche that had stopped it happening.  Even with all this information I still had a hard time in knowing what to do.  I had been with Douche so long it was normal, comfortable and I actually felt like I owed him in some way and should be very sensitive to his feelings even though mine meant so little.  A week past and there was another work night out.  That was a birthday night to Frontier to see Showaddywaddy.  I got dressed up and as soon as we got on the mini bus we were really close and when we were there we ended up kissing and I felt really happy and special.  We went back to his flat.  I think the term heavy petting is apt here.  Nothing more that night.

The end was already decided

I had already decided just before setting off to the Frontier that I was leaving Douche.  I had been in major emotional turmoil all week and knew deep down what I should do.  I decided it was only fare (insane to think now, but at the time it made sense to me) to give Douche a chance to show he could be nice to me and let go of the control he was holding over me.  I decided to be tough with him and tell him I was going out again without him (not my choice on either, it was work people only) and when he started doing his normal crap I would not stand for it and tell him straight that it was not on.  I did and he cried.  He fucking cried because I stood up for myself and I wasn't upset and timid doing it.  I told him not to talk to me like shit about going out or I really would have to think about ending it.  I could not stand to be treated like that ever again.  He cried and whined and promised he would not do it.  When it came to the evening of the Frontier, about an hour or so before setting off I was feeling strange.  I had given him this extra chance to show me he could deal with a normal situation and not treat me like crap and so far he was being nice.  He was talking about it like it was just matter of fact, hoped I had a nice night.  And then BOOM!  'I bet you are really happy aren't you?  Going out two weeks in a row without me.'  It was loaded with attitude and begging for me to start my normal teary eyed pleading for him not to be upset with me.  He got a shock though.  It didn't happen.  I think I said something along the lines of it just being nice to be going out and that it was the staff choice he couldn't go so it was just tough.  The sulk was epic.  I mean huge.  Sulk sulk sulk like a toddler.  That was it.  That was the end.  I didn't want to have the big it's over right before I went out.  I was pissed off at him and just wanted to go out and forget all his shit for the night.

The horrid end

So that happy morning started to turn in to a sad afternoon.  I was dreading ending it and when it came down to it I just didn't want to look at him.  I knew he would be full of bullshit about how it was all my fault, I was evil, I was a slag and then it would be followed by attempts at manipulation to make me change my mind and feel bad.  I couldn't do it yet.  I sent him a message telling him not to come around to mine that night and I went to see my friends for some support.  He had ignored my wishes and turned up to my house nattering my mum and dad until they called to say I should probably talk to him right away.  I did go back home and I ended it.  Even then it was hard to actually say that it was over and there was no going back.  The words kept getting stuck.  I did the deed and went back to my friends house for the night.  Her mum was there too and had just had a break up so I felt in good company.

He tried a couple of things.  He wrote me a letter and said he thought Robert (me lovely new boy) was going to try and take advantage of me.  He made odd confessions of having all these crazy, over the top social anxieties that were only manageable when he was with me, as if I was some kind of body guard.

The aftermath

The time after was very weird.  I was happy with Robert but still upset that I had upset Douche.  I would cry about it but Rob was very understanding that it had been a bad relationship, that I had been controlled all that time and the ending had been rough.  He never said a word about me crying for Douche, he just hugged me and made me tea.  I also had a time at the start that I didn't like him seeing the girl from the shop.  I still had it in my head that he liked her and was afraid he would leave me for her.  I knew it made no sense as he could have gone out with her at any point over the last year and didn't.  I just had such low self esteem that even after everything I still felt I was not good enough and he would see how shit I was and leave me already.  He agreed not to see her and was really nice and understanding about it.  After a while I started to see that he was just friends with her and he really wanted to be with me.  He wasn't leaving so I stopped being silly and apologized.  He said it was fine and I shouldn't be sorry.  He was just so easy going and nothing caused any arguments or problems.  I could actually say anything and I would be met with actual human conversation and not a sly look and accusation of something odd and seemingly unrelated to anything.  It was great.

Robert and examples of change

So, new life with Robert.  How different is it?  He has done so much and been so amazing over the last 13 years that it would be impossible to tell you everything.  But lets just drop in some comparisons.  

Arguments: Douche - at least one every week, Robert - I think about 4 in 13 years all lasting maybe 5 minutes apart from the one about the squirrels (seriously don't ask) that was about 40 minutes I think.

Going out without him: Douche - as he pointed out, he 'never stopped me' from going out, he just made me feel like the worst person in the whole world if I did.  Robert -  'Have fun, call me when you get in'.

Money:  Douche - This is my money, I work in a real job for a real wage.  That is your money, you only work in a charity shop full time for £30 a week.  Not a real job.  If I spend any of my real money on you then you should be grateful and I won't let you forget it.  Robert - Me *I see something I like in a shop window* 'Oh I like that' Rob 'I will pay all the bills and if I have enough after those we can come back and get it'  Plus, no badgering me about it after either.  I don't owe him anything, I don't get guilt tripped or told I should be grateful. 

Me spending my money: Douche - 'Don't get that, you are wasting money, you don't need that, you have no money now, I'm not lending you any'  Robert - 'I've got about £20 left.  If you have run out you can have that'.

I could go on and on about how they are worlds apart.  I really did jump from one end of the scale to the other.  He is just nice on a daily basis.  He makes me tea, he cooks meals, he never begrudges me a thing.  He tells me all the time that he loves me and that I'm beautiful.  I have gone up and down in size and at one point got to a 20.  I then lost it and was about a 12 again.  I mentioned in conversation that I had been a 20 and he didn't believe me.  I had to show him a photo.  He never noticed.  He thought I was always the same size.  He told me I was just me, I was gorgeous and lovely and that was all he saw.  He never saw the size change, just me.  How full of sugar is this boy?

Don't be thinking all this is one sided though, we look after each other.  All the compliments and the money go both ways.  I make him tea and dinners, I buy him gifts and take him out too.  That is what happens when you treat someone well, they treat you well right back.  Or that is what is meant to happen even though it didn't in the case of Douche.

How far I have come

So, what can a girl do with proper love and support?  Lets see.  I have had and lost jobs through depression but have always kept going and I no longer feel like a failure because of it.  I have accepted it's part of me and it will just come and go, but I can deal with it and push on through.  I went back to college as a mature student to study animal care.  I now have (full list as far as I can remember):

Retail operations NVQ level 1 and 2

Customer Service NVQ levels 2 and 3 (supervisory level)

Various IT qualifications 

Communication level 3 (rare to have I am told)

First Diploma Animal Care with full distinctions 

National Diploma Animal Management with full distinctions

The final two being very heavy on biology.  So just remind me again high school teachers, who is the stupid kid who is best off making cups of tea?  It ain't me that's for sure.

I also made a very real attempt at opening my own business.  It fell at gaining premises because they had to be quite specific, but I had the confidence and the support to go for it and make a major try of it.  Not only that, I still have a plan B business on the back burner that I feel I can make happen when the right time for me comes.  I have the self belief I can do it and the guts to go.

And we have to mention burlesque don't we.  I have always loved the idea of it but didn't think it was ever possible.  But yet here I am, putting on shows and performing.  The confidence crisis always comes and goes, it does with all performers but over all I have confidence.  In myself and in my body.  Even now when I have put on extra and have the baby pouch I am still not ashamed to get it out and shake my groove thang.  To say I was once the little timid thing that sat in a corner hoping no one would look at her I have really come a long way and I still feel like I am growing all the time.

I feel now though that I can add something about Douche.  Now I can look back with no emotion attached to it, just looking at it all in a factual way, I really can say he missed out and royally fucked up.  You know how people say it after a relationship 'it's their loss' and 'they didn't know what they had' all that jazz.  I think some of that can sometimes come from the upset of it all.  But 13 years and a beautiful baby boy have removed all emotion from it and I can see it in a very clinical way.  At the time with all the emotion I was sad for him, sad for me and sad for what we had and could have had.  Now I can see how deeply wrong the whole thing was.  It was creepy and sadistic.  But he really missed out in losing me.  I'm not sure if he didn't know it or (more likely) he did know it and thought it a good idea to use and abuse it, but his 'you don't love me' and 'you don't want me there' lines were way off.  At that time, I fucking worshiped the ground he walked on.  I thought he was the best thing in the whole wide world.  I thought he was funny and sexy and cool and smart.  He was interesting and cute and fun and amazing.  He was the best thing that had ever happened to me and I was always saying I loved him.  He could do no wrong.  But he chased all those feelings out of me.  So it puzzles me, where the holy balls did he get this idea that I didn't want him?  The only conclusion I can make is that he knew and it was pure control freak/mental abuse.  It was on purpose because (drop dead Fred lesson) he knew he could hurt me so he did it all the time.  If he had just nurtured the little seedling instead of stamping on it, all that I am now might have been his.  He forgot to just be nice.  I hope the lady he is with now (who by the way also does not look anything like Kelly Brook) is not putting up with his shite and feels at least half as good about herself as I do.

Thank you if you have actually managed to read all that.  It's the full essence of my new act, being so low ground down in to the dirt and then being lifted up to feel you can go on to lift yourself even higher and keep on rising.  And I hope if anyone is thinking Douche sounds familiar that this helps them see it for what it is: pure douche-baggery.  Don't stand for it.  Tell them to buck up or fuck off.  We all deserve our prince or princess, so let the twats go be twats somewhere else.

XXXX